How to Deal with a Narcissist: 10 Essential Rules

How to Deal with a Narcissist: 10 Essential Rules

Many people wonder: how can you cope when you're forced to deal with someone who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? After all, there are situations in life where you simply cannot avoid or escape from an NPD individual—for instance, when the narcissist is your own parent.

In these unavoidable situations where you must interact with a narcissist, it's crucial to keep the following rules in mind:

1. Beware of Projection from Narcissistic Personalities

Projection is a psychological term that refers to attributing to others what you yourself don't want or cannot accept. Projection is an unconscious behavior. For example, a person attributes their own flaws and fears to others, blaming them for what is actually their own problem.

Narcissists cannot accept their own negative emotions, so they easily look down on those who are too emotional, considering them overly sensitive and suspicious. A narcissist may be unfaithful themselves, but constantly suspects their partner of infidelity. They fear emotions themselves, but accuse their partner of being too emotional.

A narcissist's projection will torment you because you'll be blamed for things you haven't done (if you actually did them, that's a different matter). Narcissistic projection and accusations aren't limited to infidelity and betrayal—they also project their inner vulnerabilities and weaknesses onto you (though the narcissist fears not being successful, they'll accuse you of being too ambitious; though they fear failure, they'll accuse you of not being successful enough or not earning enough).

2. Don't Accept Their Evaluations and Accusations as Truth

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder won't reflect on their own problems. Even if you feel there are issues in your relationship that need to be addressed, they won't acknowledge them and will place all responsibility on you. This is the defense mechanism of "projection" mentioned above.

Therefore, never accept their evaluations and accusations as truth or think the problem lies with you. On the contrary, the narcissist is the one with the problem who needs to change. If you start self-reflection once, it will lead to endless self-reflection. Eventually, you'll begin to doubt yourself and your life. Rebuilding self-confidence after a narcissist has destroyed it truly takes a very long time—from one or two years to an entire lifetime.

3. Don't Engage in Constant Self-Reflection

However, people who enter long-term relationships with narcissists are typically those who are good at self-reflection. This tendency toward self-reflection sometimes helps you grow, but in relationships with narcissists, it's a major disadvantage. Your self-reflection won't make the narcissist change their attitude or help them realize their problems. On the contrary, your self-reflection will only intensify their subsequent accusations against you.

4. Insist on Your Own Needs and Don't Compromise

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder only care about their own needs and completely ignore the needs of others. They always demand that you satisfy their desires, go where they want to go, do what they like to do. Everything you want to do, they reject. If you compromise once, you'll compromise endlessly. You must constantly remind them: while satisfying their needs, your needs must also be met.

5. Don't Let Their Vulnerability and Suffering Move You to Sacrifice Yourself

You may experience this confusion: usually, the narcissist appears proud and arrogant, belittles others, tramples your self-esteem, and you may dislike them intensely because of this. So you don't want to talk to them, don't satisfy their demands; you even decide to leave home.

At this moment, the narcissist will compromise and may even come to you in tears, apologizing and saying they can't live without you, that their work is so difficult, that their childhood was so unfortunate. When faced with another person's vulnerability, we tend to empathize with their suffering and try to comfort them. So you may compromise and satisfy their demands, such as doing what they ask even though you don't want to.

Never sympathize with their vulnerability and suffering. The essence of a narcissist is to think only of themselves, lack empathy, and not consider others. Vulnerability and suffering are merely tools they use to manipulate you, because they know this method works on you. They won't engage in self-reflection and won't care whether their words and actions harm you. If you pity their vulnerability and suffering, next time they'll harm and ignore you again.

6. Don't Give in to Their Control—Don't Cut Ties with Friends, Don't Abandon Your Work and Life

Despite how narcissists verbally praise themselves, they are actually extremely insecure and vulnerable (of course, they won't admit this), so they need to control the external world to gain a sense of security. Typical control looks like this: they always think you have someone on the side; they're very sensitive to your phone calls and messages; they don't allow you to have friends of the opposite sex. When you interact with friends or friends of the opposite sex, they create scenes, saying your relationships with friends are impure.

Over time, when you interact with friends, you fear they'll be upset, and gradually you reduce contact with friends. Eventually, they achieve their goal of controlling and isolating you. But you must never allow them to control you—you must have your own circle of friends and your own work. If you compromise, one day when you have a conflict with the narcissist, there will be no one around to help you.

7. Don't Be Fooled by Their Boasting and Halo Effect

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder will boast about themselves, and those who don't know them will be attracted by their charm. But in reality, their abilities aren't as great as they claim. Sometimes they have huge debts, gambling debts, even nothing at all, but they very confidently present themselves as successful people. Because they're very good at using human weaknesses to control others and achieve their goals.

8. If Domestic Violence Occurs, Tell Those Around You or Use Legal Means to Protect Yourself

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have unstable temperaments, unpredictable moods, and may even resort to domestic violence. After domestic violence, they may come to apologize, and you may soften, but remember: it's very likely that domestic violence will happen again. At this moment, don't endure it and don't hope they'll change. A narcissist's domestic violence, once it happens, will happen again. Protect yourself through legal means.

At the same time, many victims of domestic violence may feel that being a victim of domestic violence is shameful, so they're embarrassed to tell those around them. But the shame should be felt by the one who hits, not the one who is hit. So don't punish yourself for others' mistakes.

It's also possible that victims of domestic violence think it's family, and calling the police will also harm the abuser, that it's just family quarrels, and they don't want to harm the other party. They think the abuser can't control their emotions, so uncontrolled acts of violence occur. But this view is wrong—the abuser's behavior is actually under their control. Their violent actions are their choice. For example, they won't lose control in front of their boss and those around them because they know it will affect their social image and other interests. They hit you because they've assessed that hitting you has no cost and won't harm them.

Once they realize that hitting you will affect them, they'll begin to restrain their violent behavior toward you. But the essence of this restraint isn't that they're considering your feelings, but that they've weighed the pros and cons and found that violence will affect them. So if you don't tell those around you, this is exactly what they want, because the narcissist thinks hitting you doesn't matter. But if those around you know about their domestic violence, at least the public opinion and criticism around them will create some pressure. At the same time, when you're experiencing domestic violence, you can also get support from those around you, which is better than facing it alone.

9. Logic and Reason Won't Help—Only Firmness Can Counter Them

Give up illusions. Even if you speak reasonably, they still won't engage in self-reflection and won't listen to reason, because they have no empathy, they only care about themselves, not others. So in relationships with narcissists, logic and reason will only lead to you being bullied without the ability to fight back.

Only if you're even more unreasonable than they are, strike harder at their self-esteem, even using boundless and unprincipled actions, constantly attacking and striking them, can you make them feel fear. In relationships with them, emotional outbursts and threats are still relatively mild methods. In general, you need to be as harsh and ruthless as necessary.

10. Stay Away from Them

After reading my advice above, you may have noticed one thing: in the first 8 pieces of advice, I was teaching you how to defend and protect yourself. Truly, dealing with people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder requires an extremely strong sense of self to reduce their influence on you and minimize the harm they cause.

Even if your sense of self is very strong, in relationships with them, you're mostly in a state of passive defense, explanation, and self-protection. Long-term interaction with a narcissist, even with a very strong sense of self, will lead to its destruction. They'll drain all your energy, make you increasingly doubt yourself, and gradually become dispirited.

Even if you use the method from point 9 and confront them, for you, it's also a huge waste of energy. So the best way is to leave them. If you can't leave immediately due to emotional or other factors, you don't have to leave right away—give yourself some time and gradually separate.

In conclusion, dealing with a narcissist requires tremendous willpower and self-protection. Remember: your mental health and well-being are more important than any relationship. If you're in a dangerous situation, don't hesitate to seek help from professionals and loved ones.